Thursday Roundup: Gone Phishing Edition

I'm not sure how many of you actually care, but Phish is back! The biggest jam band since the Grateful Dead has called an end to their four-and-a-half year hiatus with three shows in Hampton, VT in early March. Phish's last show in Coventry, VT was one of the most bizarre and amazing spectacles in music history. Motorists couldn't get to the venue due to road closures, so many simply abandoned their vehicles and trekked upwards of 10 miles. Talk about devoted fans! Georgia Tech has throw hot dogs and Cokes at just to cover all the empty seats at Bobby Dodd! As a big fan of jam bands and having never got to see Phish perform (I've seen front man Trey Anastasio and bass player Mike Gordon), I'm hoping I get to catch them on their reunion tour.

With that in mind, we'll take a brief look around the world of sports this week with Phish providing our theme.

Chalk Dust Torture

One of my favorite songs by any band, Chalk Dust Torture expresses the angst of being locked in a classroom all day listening to useless facts. The chorus of "cant this wait til I'm old, can I live while I'm young?" is repeated throughout, and asks the very pertinent question of why we waste our youth being stuck in the academic setting?

Who can relate to this sentiment better than Vanderbilt students? Vandy students, for this weekend only, it's time to trade that 46 page dissertation for 46 shots of Jaeger, because your football team has an important game coming up! That's right, Lee, Kirk and Chris will invade Nashville this weekend, and the giant Home Depot bus that carries their equipment still has pieces of Georgia's national respectability stuck in the tire treads! The Dores are alone in first place in the SEC East, and welcome an anemic Auburn offense to...what is Vanderbilt's stadium called? I'm sure they'll mention it on the Gameday broadcast. Anywho, could anyone imagine that perhaps the biggest game of this weekend would involve Vanderbilt? How about the biggest game of any weekend? When I went to Nashville for the Georgia game in 2005, I asked a gas station worker for directions to Vanderbilt's football stadium. She responded that she wasn't sure they had one. I informed her that I was sure they did, and then asked if I was confused and was looking for the Tennessee Titans' stadium. This exchange went on for about five more minutes until I gave up.

The point is, I repeat, VANDERBILT is in first place in the SEC East. And think about it. They can beat Auburn. Auburn has to prove they can actually move the football. Vandy can beat Kentucky. They can beat Tennessee. Hell, they could beat either Florida or Georgia, (although I doubt it, and they definitely won't beat both). Make no mistake, Vanderbilt will not win the SEC East. But they won't finish last either. And they might finish third. And seeing Vandy in third place at the final SEC East standings will make any college football fan feel like they have inhaled too much second-hand at a Phish show.

If I Could

The chorus of this song says, "If I could, I would, but I don't know how." That has to be exactly what Tennessee offensive coordinator Dave Clawson is thinking when people ask him why he can't generate anything resembling an offense. How much must it be gnawing at the Creamsicle Nation that 2-4 seems to be the likely result of their first six games? How about the fact that the aforementioned 'Dores are perched atop the SEC East, while the Vols are bottom-feeders?

Clawson's offense is averaging 341 yards-per-game and just over 19 ppg. Granted, it's going to take a while to get a team used to a new offense, but Tennessee has been abysmal. The Vols have put up 18 points in their SEC games against Florida and Auburn. They scored just six against a Florida team that gave up 31 to Ole Miss last week.

The icing on this very pathetic orange cake is that former Tennessee OC David Cutcliffe is thriving at Duke, of all places. The Dukies are 3-1 and have scored almost 31 PPG. Granted, the caliber of opponents hasn't been the same, but this is Duke we're talking about. Quick, name one player on Duke's team...time's up! Who did you come up with? No one? Yeah me neither? If the Blue Devils can beat or at least stay competitive with the fighting Paul Johnsons on Saturday (12:00 on ESPNU-I know you guys can't wait for this barnburner either!) they might be for real in the ultra-competitive ACC. Just more salt in the undoubtedly hunting accident-related wounds of Vols fans.

You Enjoy Myself

Phish loves these head scratch-inducing song titles. Nick Saban probably utters these words to reporters every time he speaks. Apparently, Mr. Saban either a) is very much enjoying his return to the national spotlight or b) needs to invest in a calendar. It's common knowledge St. Nick isn't exactly a teddy bear of a human being, but come on dude. Your team just obliterated the No. 3 team in the land on the road! Crack a smile!

Saban is using his newfound prominence to grandstand in a big way. I really don't feel like going back to look for press conference transcripts, but as reporters attempted to show some praise for a very good Alabama team, Saban chose to show just how focused he really is. He said something along the lines of, "What month is it? Who was the number two team at this point last year? (Note, OTR believes it was eventual BCS Champ LSU, not that that would have completely killed Saban's point or anything). We don't care about our ranking, blah, blah, blah!" And of course, this rant was delivered with the kindness of a bounty hunter pounding in your door.

Nick, we get it. Of course being No. 2 now doesn't mean you will end the season there. But going off on a lecture to the media when all you had to do was say, "polls don't matter right now," was really unnecessary. Really, I have no problem with Alabama and definitely believe they are one hell of a team (I still have blood splatter on my clothes from the massacre at Sanford Stadium). But at least you could make an effort for people to enjoy your press conferences. You are a football coach, not a general in Iraq. Your job is NOT THAT IMPORTANT and neither are you. Lighten up. Listen to Phish. The opening of You Enjoy Myself is very relaxing and just might induce an accidental upward tilt of the corners of your mouth, known in many parts of the world as a smile.

Alright sports fans, that wraps it up. Check in tomorrow for weekend picks. Will the Dores continue to march towards Atlanta? Or will Georgia Tech continue to be the only "smart school" with dreams of world domination. I sure hope the Jackets don't get upset on Saturday! I might have to send out mass "Go Blue Devils" text messages to all my friends!