Why the Gators Suck: And Other Ramblings

Ah I can practically smell the beer and bourbon of Jacksonville already. I'm quite tempted to leave immediately and sleep in the car until the game. However, I think I'll try to resist. Before we get into this week's post, the million...and millions...of OTR's fans have clamored for some more LSU quotes. Here are a few.

"We go into every game trying to score every time we get the ball. That's our thought process and what we work towards, and we were able to move the ball well on them (LSU). We got some big plays when we needed them today. Knowshon (Moreno) had some good runs for us and some guys made some good plays for us catching the football and what's what got us going."

~Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford on putting up 52 points in Tiger Stadium

"It's very disappointing; we never like to lose in our own house. It's a real deep gut feeling. We have to turn around and look at ourselves and figure out who we really are. It's about pride and it really hurt our pride with them coming in our house and beating us like that."

~LSU tailback Charles Scott on getting beat at home

"That was a shock even to the defense. What a way to start it off, and then ending the game off like that too was great."

~Georgia cornerback Asher Allen on Darryl Gamble's two interception returns for touchdowns

"It just gives us confidence going against a team that is similar as far as speed and has athletes all over the field like LSU does. We know that Florida has some tremendous athletes."

~Allen on the Florida game.

Really, the rest of them aren't too terribly interesting. Anyway, it's time to put that game behind us, as Georgia has somewhat of a large football contest this weekend in Jacksonville. Ah, yes it's Florida week, which means it's time for thinking about how much we hate the jort wearers. To make things easier, I have come up with my top-10 list of reasons to hate UF. Feel free to amend or add to this list.

10.) Orange and blue: Seriously, this is the most heinous color combination ever devised for sports teams. Those shiny orange pants are absolutely disgusting. Remember when they used those prototype Nike jerseys with one orange sleeve? Did it not make you want to serioulsy adjust the color of your TV screen, say by throwing it out the window?

9.) Joakim Noah: I know, this is about a football game. But just knowing that Noah played basketball for that school makes me want to beat the Gators even worse on Saturday. Noah looked like a cross between Diana Ross and Gollum from Lord of the Rings. He danced like a drunken frat boy with a nerve disorder. He was the basketball equivalent of Tim Tebow, dancing up and down the court after dunking on some no-name forward from UT-Chattanooga. I have limited respect for the rest of the players on those championship Gator teams. But I hate Noah. You should too.

8.) Gator bait cheer: I don't know who did it first, LSU or Florida, but this trend of saying your mascot and adding the word "bait" after it is assinine. When I think of bait, I think of a worm on a fish hook. Sure, the worm is luring the fish to its eventual death, but the worm is getting eaten after having a hook driven through it. So, by calling opposing fans Gator bait, you're saying that you are using Bulldogs to lure Gators into capture. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy an alligator Po' Boy as much as the next guy. It just seems that using that as your team's main cheer is pointless. In Jacksonville last year, I don't know how many times I heard some Florida frat boy in orange pants scream "If you're not a Gator, you're Gator bait." Chalk it up there with "Boomer Sooner" as one of most nonsensical cheers in sports.

7.) Mr. Two Bits: Hi, I'm a 70-something year-old man that wears orange pants and cheats death every Saturday by screaming in the middle of Florida Field. Seriously, nothing represents the state of Florida more accurately than some septegenerian screaming himself silly in hideous pants. Combined with the cheer of "two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar, all for the Gators stand up and holler," and this ancient, moth-ball odored buffoon gives Mr. Two Bits the distinction of owning the seventh spot on my list.

6.) Selective amnesia: While admittedly, most of the SEC (I'm looking at you Bama fans) lives much too far in the past when it comes to gloating about their school's accomplishments, Florida goes in the complete opposite direction. Prior to Steve Spurrier arriving as coach in 1990, the Gator football program was a joke. Gator fans want to talk about having the best program in SEC history. If the last 18 years is all that encompasses "history," they would be right. Bring this fact up to them, and they will likely spit their Skoal at you (and that's the female Gator fans). I know, Georgia fans often times dwell in a perpetual 1980 (oh, Herschel). But still, have a sense of history Gator fans. The Dawgs still own the all-time series. Read a book.

5.) Urban Meyer: "Adam! How can you only have Meyer at number 5 on the list? He's such a douchebag!" I know, he is. A giant one. But he's only been there for a few years. He hasn't had a chance to move too far up the list. But make no mistake, Meyer is on his way. First, his name is Urban. His parents were pretentious enough to name him after a Pope. They must have known how he would turn out. Meyer bitches and moans more than any other coach on the planet to get his team into bowl games (yet no one says anything). He recruits gymnasts so their boyfriends will come play football for him. He refers to himself in the third person. "It will forever be a big deal in the mind of Urban Meyer." Hey Urban, if you didn't like the celebration, maybe you should have come back and won the game. Seriously, you were freaking out on the sideline getting your team jacked up to respond. But you think the celebration was a bad deal? Don't worry, Special K has something special for you this year.

4) Mullets, jean shorts, and sleeveless t shirts: Enough said.

3) The Gator Chomp: Seriously, you morons look like you're pretending to be Pac-Man, and I don't mean the one that makes it rain. This is by far the most idiotic hand-gesture in sports. I imagine you can't go to a welfare office, NASCAR race, Piggly Wiggly, or trailer park in the northern Florida without seeing numerous toothless wonders chomping away. The most memorable Gator chomps are always done by opposing players (think Auburn kicker of Mo Mass from last year). Nobody, and I mean nobody, thinks it's cool. And no, that's not because we aren't Gator fans. I'll admit that South Carolina's 2001 entrance is awesome, and that LSU has the coolest fight song. But the Gator Chomp is a laughing stock, and doing it is a good way to identify yourself as having a mild form of brain damage.

2) Steve Spurrier: I have to admit, if the Ole Ball Coach were my team's head coach, I would love him. I even find him harmless as South Carolina. But Spurrier was a Demon in Gainesville and he will forever have a black spot int he hearts of Georgia fans. Spurrier (like Meyer) didn't know the meaning of "emptying his bench." It didn't matter if he was up by 3 or 33, he was going to try to score. He also had a special love of beating the Dawgs, which he did quite often. A particulary awesome quote of his was, "It seems every year during recruiting, Georgia has the best players. But when we play them, we have the best players. I wonder what happens to them." As hilarious and accurate as that quote was, it's what makes Spurrier one of the most universally-hated coaches in history. Nothing is better than watching that overgrown toddler throw his visor around and yell at his assistant coaches and players.

1.) Tim Tebow: Was there any doubt? Kudos to the young man for earning his way to the top spot on my list despite still being an active player there. There are inumerable reasons to hate the Gators' quarterback, but I'll go over a few:

-The media mancrush on Tebow is epic. If Tebow has loose stool at 8 a.m., it's on ESPN's bottom line by 9. Everything he does is "courageous" and "heroic." We get footage of a topless Tebow lifting weights almost every Saturday. We get in-depth player profiles about his pious upbringing, his visits to prisons, and his circumcisions. We get references to Tebow during football games that in on way involve Tebow, the Gators, the state of Florida, or people named Tim in general.

-The Tebow run: From now on, every quarterback who ever runs out of the pocket and makes contact with a defender will be compared to Tebow. It doesn't matter if Brad Johnson is flushed out of the pocket and gets tackled for a one-yard gain, the announcers will tell the viewers that Johnson is "no Tim Tebow." Tebow is a big moose. He runs straight ahead at tacklers. It's not a novel idea. Then, we get the treat of having him jump up and do jumping jacks after every four-yard gain against some non-conference sacrifice.

-He cries. Seriously, we all know you're so emotionally invested in the game. It's inspiring. But crying on national television after a loss is just plain sad. Even Gator fans would HAVE to admit that they would find this pathetic if he wasn't their quarterback. Most athletes stopped crying in little league. Or at least they wait until the locker room where no one can see them. Grow up, Tim. Grow up.

There are many more reasons to hate Tebow. I just don't have the time.

Like I said, there are plenty of reasons to hate the Gators. Let me know what you would put on there, or if you would change the order.

Side note: My fantasy football team finally won a game! Yay for me!